I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*