I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”