I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
peeping toms
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them