I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Sharon, call the vet
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
This is a true ally.
Terribly Tuesday.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.