I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
You Might Also Like
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Found my door mat
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.