I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Good morning.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Wait a minute
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say