I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Finally! 😈
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Cold.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes