I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
