I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
You Might Also Like
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!