@Prince_Smarming
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
@thevaginadiary
I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.
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@Prince_Smarming
@DomesticGoddss
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
@Kyle_Lippert
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
@7_Cents
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
@jus4golf
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
@XplodingUnicorn
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
@squirrel74wkgn
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
@WilliamAder
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
@ericsshadow
[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”
@JohnnyCrash5
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?