@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

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@Prince_Smarming

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

@Kyle_Lippert

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

@7_Cents

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

@jus4golf

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

@squirrel74wkgn

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

@WilliamAder

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”