
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?