Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Lmfao
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.