I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
For anyone who needs this today
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.