I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*