I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
🤣🤣
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.