I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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I sexually identify as a hand grenade
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.