I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.