I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
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Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.