Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lmaaaaaooooooooo

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

*scroll*

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Welcome to the stomach

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.