I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
You Might Also Like
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it