I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.