I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles