I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.