I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.