ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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#FunnyLife Insects
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Brother?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.