Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

How dude HOW?!

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug