Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Happens to everyone.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing