Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.