Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”