Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asking santa clause for nudes

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

Oh boy, $150,000!

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…