I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
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*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.