I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You Might Also Like
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Never forget.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now