I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
good news everyone
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!