I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
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Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.