I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Can. I. Help. You.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
adam and eve had first world problems