I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!