I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Help
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners