I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
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Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I identify as an antique shop.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
That was easy.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.