I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.