I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
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interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.