I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
You Might Also Like
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me when I’m ovulating
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth