I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify