Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

You better wish for more oil

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.