I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him