Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

😍😂🥰😂😍

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

How wrong was this guy?

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt