Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?