Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain