I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.