Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

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Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown