Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

no

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.