Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Order here:
More here:

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL