Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Sell your car

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

ㅤ

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.