Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.