Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

oh you wanna fight?!

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Beware of the “party goblin”…

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life