Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Did I do this right

That 👊

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

ㅤ