I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”