Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

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The Chosen Phew

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.