I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.