i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
This is so me 😂😂
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan