i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
pls suprot
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.