Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

When you’re Kinky but poor

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.