Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.