Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

“Great, now I have to pee.”

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out