
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*