I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

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The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.


my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.


Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god


shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice


The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.


My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.


life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe


I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,


My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!


*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*