toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.