@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

You Might Also Like

@ThePocketJustin

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

@dkn33c

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

@fro_vo

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

@IamEnidColeslaw

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

@yoyoha

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

@goldengateblond

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@VerifiedDrunk

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

@ScottyDsntKnow3

My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!

@tastefactory

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*