@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

@fridaycandy

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

@joeljeffrey

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

@boring_as_heck

I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.

@david8hughes

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

@LizerReal

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@ItsDanSheehan

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool