@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
@MariasWestSide
I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee
@fridaycandy
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
@joeljeffrey
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
@boring_as_heck
I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.
@david8hughes
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
@LizerReal
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
@robdelaney
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
@FeelingEuphoric
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
@Tommytoughstuff
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
@ItsDanSheehan
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool