I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Well, this explains it:
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.