Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.