Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

Sign at work today

🥲

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.