Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
is this meant to deter me
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
This was the best day of my life
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
oh good, now I can stop drinking
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names