@BunAndLeggings

I usually tell my toddler it’s nap time an 1hr before it’s nap time just so she thinks she’s winning at the I do one more thing game.

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@mirandaasantos

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

@JasonIsbell

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

@BreakingNews

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

@MatticusFinch1

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

@dreadnaught69

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

@ThisAlexStein

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

@daemonic3

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

@funflaps

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink