Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Flowers bee like
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”